Year: 2019

When you are in a relationship, you exert an effort to support your partner. You express your love and affection in a way that your significant other can respond. But what if he or she is suffering from depression? How can it affect you and your relationship? How can you become helpful in that scary condition?

It is not unloving to learn to maintain a distance from the depression; it may, in fact, be the only thing that keeps you healthy and available. — Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC

Understanding The Situation Even If It Hurts

There are times that our loved ones – who are suffering from depression – tend to push us away. They make it hard for us to extend our help due to their emotional instability. Sometimes, they feel guilty about their situation every time we try to make them feel better. They have this mentality that nobody understands them, and everything is not going to help them. It puts pressure unto us because we know we need to be there for them, but we seem to have problems getting near them. They think they don’t need someone in their lives. They feel awful about themselves a lot of times, and because they love us, they don’t want our involvement when it comes to their mental state.

We have to understand that our loved ones need help. When they try to shut us down, we need to remember that it’s not because they don’t care about us. Our significant others only want to avoid putting their stress unto us that’s why pushing us away is the only thing they can think of doing. They feel sorry for the situation and feel bad that we have to go through it together with them. Sometimes, they only need space, so there’s no need for us to pull back. We need to remind them that we care, support, and love them at all cost.

To combat depression means taking on this internal enemy. This may involve looking into your past to help determine where these critical thoughts came from. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Draining And Upsetting But Challenging

Being in love with a person who suffers from depression is draining and upsetting. It can make us feel devastated and tired of all the struggles we encounter almost every day. In all honesty, we sometimes think about giving up. But if we do, we know we won’t be able to support the person we love. The decision making even gets to the point that we no longer want to be part of it anymore and we only want to break free from the stress that our relationship is giving us. Sometimes, we unintentionally respond to their situation in a counteractive manner, and it causes us a lot of frustration.

Though the situation might be draining, we need to remember that it’s much harder for our partners to get through with it. Therefore, caring for ourselves is essential so we can continue to support our loved ones in their struggle. We should stop thinking about fixing them but rather encourage ourselves to work on challenging things that can help them realize their significance in our lives.

No doubt, there’s good intention lurking beneath some of the things people say to those experiencing depression. Good intention, though, does little to ease pain. — Jenise Harmon, LISW-S

Depression can make our loved ones think that the world has given up on them, so we need to assure them that we are going to stay and be there for them. For someone who battles with this kind of mental disorder, our presence is the only thing that’s needed.

Depression is a psychological illness that affects a person’s life, and when you are in a relationship with someone who is experiencing the mental condition, everything can change. A lot of times, it is hard to understand the situation that’s why it causes us to break down and have difficulties functioning because we sometimes fail to help the person we love. We try to do things for them that we think are helpful, but they aren’t. Therefore, it is essential that we understand everything about depression for us to be able to help our significant other.

One of the worst symptoms of depression is a feeling of hopelessness. This very feeling can inhibit someone suffering from taking the steps that would help them combat their depression. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Using Encouraging Words

When we tell our loved one to look on the brighter side of things, get out from their comfort zone, and see things differently, we encourage them to be positive. The truth is, those words don’t help them at all. Our significant other’s mental condition is incomparable to having a bad day or feeling sad. We need to understand that though we may have a list of encouraging words, it’s not something that our partner can quickly adapt.   Sometimes, instead of trying to help, we even tend to give them reasons to feel more helpless and devastated about their situation.

So instead of pushing our significant others to fight the depression, it’s better to show them our support by sticking up for them. We need to let our partner know how much they mean to us and that we believe in their capability to get through all of life’s struggles. It’s important that they acknowledge our effort in making them feel better. With that said, it’s much better to provide enough reasons for them to live rather than give them options in battling the mental illness.

You may become a watcher—watching what the depressed person says, what they look like, how they acted, and what didn’t happen. You may become a detective trying to identify something that will create change and bring lightness. — Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC

Danger Of Unsolicited Advice

It’s common for us to show our support to our loved ones, but there are times that we are overdoing it. Depressed people don’t want to get advice because they know what to do. Just because we think they seem to be weak and vulnerable doesn’t mean they don’t think about solutions to their situation. We make comments and suggestions but they probably already thought about these before we even offer them. Telling someone what they should and should not do, even though it’s practically useful, are not going to help them at any cost. It only adds to their stress and frustration if they can’t execute it.

Sadly, the reaction of many people is to say simplistic and dismissive things like, “Just pray more,” “Get more exercise,” or “You just need to think yourself into a better place.”  — Jenise Harmon, LISW-S

So instead of giving unsolicited advice that makes our partner feel sorry for their situation, we can at least try to ask them what they want to do. We can talk to them about new ideas that we think might help and allow them to decide if it’s something they would like to try. It’s better to let them be in control of their lives.

It’s not an easy battle for our loved ones because it can affect us and we can affect their decisions too. So if we want to see them attain the overall development we want for them, we need to provide them the only thing they need – unconditional love.

The quality of our lives depends on the type of relationship we have with our spouse or significant others. It is our source of happiness and success that help us through the course of our overall development. However, on the negative side, it is also the cause of our pain and despair. And when our relationship is at stake, we tend to have difficulties in finding joy and fulfillment in almost everything. That’s why it’s not a surprise that relationships play a big role when it comes to our mental condition. So how do we know if our relationship is experiencing a rough ride due to depression? Here are the commonly overlooked signs that you need to know.

Depression doesn’t simply go away because you’ve loved more. — Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC

Too Negative To Think About Anything

Depression encloses your thoughts with negativity that elevates your doubts and despair. It creates a massive influence on your mental capacity to stay on a one-sided perception. It blocks your emotional state and makes it difficult for you to appreciate things. You always complain about everything and feel like nothing seems to make you happy.

Sensitive And Irrational

Due to depression, you question and criticize your capability to handle a relationship. You drop a high level of energy and motivation over time and tend to become sensitive to criticism. You become doubtful about your worth that’s lowering down your self-esteem. As a result, you tend to hate your job, your friends, as well as your partner.

Persistent Sadness And Fatigue

Though it’s pretty normal to feel sad and tired at some point, the persistent feeling it gives contributes to making you lose interest in things that you used to enjoy, and that includes sex. It becomes a problem in the relationship because you tend to devalue the importance of physical intimacy due to your mental state.

 Though giving up and not functioning can be the exact opposite of what’s helpful at times, other times it can be exactly what is needed for my brain to begin to heal. — Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT

Constant Changes Of Interest

It is common to experience mood changes. However, the continued emotional and physical neglect towards your partner is a different story. When you are depressed, you tend to lose interest in things that you and your partner enjoy doing together. You become needy and lack the motivation to engage in your typical relationship activities such as going out on a date, shopping together, or even completing projects at home.

Developing Unexplained Irritable Mood

When you suffer from depression, you quickly get irritated with people or circumstances that previously didn’t affect your life. It concerns your relationship because you over-think up to the extent that you tend to go below the belt in demeaning your partner. It becomes easy for you to find fault that suddenly you experience random outbursts over menial occurrences.

Difficulty In Making Decisions

Depression can affect your critical thinking. You lose the balance in creating a meaningful decision due to the stress and anxiety from your mental illness. You tend to affect your partner at some point because you no longer feel the need to communicate and keep on avoiding addressing relationship issues.

Depression is a mind/body issue and should be treated with the same self-compassion and treatment-seeking with which we would treat any major illness. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Relationship problems widely contribute to depression and vice versa. The mental condition prevents us from having the kind of blissful life that we yearn to have with our loved one. Sometimes, it even triggers issues that are somehow too impossible to address, so we need to be cautious about the mental disorder’s signs and symptoms.

When it comes to a relationship, depression can become a serious issue. Sometimes, couples are not aware of the effects of the mental disorder that is why they most likely end up losing interest in each other. In severe cases, the condition damages almost every important thing that people hold on to, including their vows or commitments.

Even if you or your spouse try to accomplish hiding depression from time to time and other people notice nothing different, there will come a time when you or your partner will eventually break down. And when you happen to figure out that there is something wrong with both or either one of your psychological and emotional states, it’ll be too late to take safety measures.

For people who are depressed, this critical inner voice can have a powerful and destructive influence on their state of mind. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

You As A Depressed Person

If you are the person experiencing depression, how does it affect you and your relationship? Well, essentially it is hard for you because you are in an intense level of emotional crisis. It causes you to feel sad and lonely even in little things. It affects your thoughts and changes the way you usually behave. It also makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself and hinders you to react to different kinds of situations positively. Your depression consumes your energy and leaves you with unwanted psychological and emotional illness. From there, your relationship gets affected because you mainly focus on things that do not indeed matter at all. You tend to create adverse scenarios in your head that add more pressure in all aspects of your relationship such as communication, physical connection, and emotional bond. You tend to shut down people from your life and avoid letting them in.

What resolves depression is grieving losses and traumas, changing brain chemistry, changing life circumstances, and time. — Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT

You As The Partner Of A Depressed Person

If you are the person who is in a relationship with an individual that suffers from depression, you will most likely end up feeling depressed as well. Though you might consider yourself free from the mental illness, it affects you in a way that you feel your partner’s inconsistency in the relationship. Your partner’s condition makes you think that you’re doing something wrong and that stresses you out. The situation makes you lose the confidence to create a romantic connection because you get to feel unloved and unwanted every time he or she tries to push you away. Also, your partner’s mental condition tends to agitate you, and that causes you to snap out. Sometimes, it drives you to get to a point where you potentially see the end of the commitment.

Keep in mind, also, it is common for a depressed person to not want anyone (especially a loved one) to worry, so they will often put on a good front and minimize their true feelings. — Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC

No one can expect their spouse or significant others to understand the situation of depression automatically. It is something that people tend to avoid but they could not. It causes too much damage to all aspects of people’s lives and hinders them from achieving overall development. So when couples fail to address the issue, it always ends negatively. It is safe to remember that depression requires an immediate assessment and treatment as well so couples can continue fighting for the commitment that they value.

Source: pixabay.com

We certainly know that not all marriages are perfect and sometimes we struggle to keep everything in control. In some cases, we even push ourselves to our limits for the sake of saving our relationship. As much as possible, we try to avoid making decisions that can severely affect our situation. But how about handling the effects of depression? Is there a way to deal with it? Can it end your marriage?

It creates a situation that may feel out of control, hopeless, and heavy. — Angela Avery, MA, LLPC, NCC

The Effects

Depression is a mental illness that creates a massive problem in a person’s life and affects other lives as well. It changes everything because it elevates all the negativity in our mind, body, and soul that makes us end up losing interest in living. Sometimes, it gives us unimaginable thoughts that can make us hurt others or even worse, ourselves. We tend to feel devastated, uninspired, sad, and anxious about the things that surround us. It changes us into a totally different person that we know we are not supposed to become. And when it comes to our relationship, we see things in a pessimistic view.

Depression is a devious disorder, because the symptoms it creates can discourage you from completing the very actions or seeking the help that would begin your recovery. Lack of energy, low self-esteem and dwindling excitement are some of the symptoms that make it hard to get out of a depressed state. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

Affected Relationship

Sometimes, we often don’t notice the condition and think of it as something normal in the emotional aspect. In most cases, we lash it out to our significant others and tend to do things that even ourselves couldn’t understand. Although we know that we have some issues that we are dealing with, it will not stop us from blaming the nearest person around us. Therefore, it creates a huge gap between understanding and confusion. We shut down the only person that we can rely on, and that action makes them think that they are part of our problem in any way whatsoever. We know that it’s not our partner’s fault, but the emotional suffering makes us think that it is. Sometimes, depression makes us irrational and unpredictable throughout the course of our relationship that’s why our spouses or partners decide to move away.

Cause Of Divorce

Due to consistent misunderstanding, the depression leads a marriage to its end. I’m not saying that all results will end up in divorce, but almost all relationships fail to acknowledge the essence of knowing the condition. Perhaps that’s because figuring it out is sometimes already too late. Couples experience a lack of understanding, miscommunication, disagreements, isolation, and mild to severe arguments. These hinder both parties to psychologically, mentally and emotionally grow. In the end when all else fails, and everything gets worse, both choose to go separate ways.

If you notice withdrawal in your relationship, it may be helpful to offer to take a break, allowing your partner the time and space to calm down in order to effectively communicate. — Meredith Shirey, MS, LMFT

Realizing the effect of depression is vital to our relationship. We may think that the emotional struggle only affects us, but the truth is, we make it even harder for our spouse and significant others. It’s hard for the person around us to deal with someone who is not willing to talk and doesn’t consider helping themselves either. Even though we know that the person loves us and is there to support us, our constant negative behavior towards them can dictate the kind of relationship we will have in the future.

Kids are the most significant sources of joy and pride in a parent’s life. After a long day in the office, seeing their happy smiles can wash all your worries away. More than anyone, you are also their #1 cheerleader as they try to achieve their dreams.

Thus, when you feel so close to your children, it is possible for you to get depressed once they become old enough to move out of the house. The usual chats you share over breakfast every day may just happen once or twice a month. If they now live away from your city, video messaging applications may be the only way for you to see your kids’ faces often.

Take time to reflect on the season you have had with your children at home. It takes time to process the reality you have been preparing them for since they were born. — Angela Bisignano, PhD

It isn’t anybody’s position to condemn you for missing your babies too much, regardless of how big they are already. But you need not feel sad about letting them exercise their independence because it can bring a lot of benefits to their lives – and yours, of course.

The Activities In The House Are Less Hectic Than Ever

A child growing up means he or she will not need your help too much inside or outside your home. If you had to prepare their clothes and meals when they were still young, they could do all of that now by themselves. And once they leave, it’s mere you and your better half will share the place; that’s why there will inevitably be less amount of clutter and noise.

Your Stress Level Can Go Down

Being a mom or dad to someone isn’t easy since your parenting skills have to stay polished. Kids at any age require guidance, and they will undoubtedly retreat under your wing in times of need. When they are living with you, the children may bombard you regularly with their issues from the moment they hear your footsteps from the garage. At least, if your locations are different, then they can try to fix the problem themselves and allow you to be stress-free for once.

When you occasionally distract yourself with something mindless or a physical activity, you give your unconscious a chance to sort through possible solutions. — Marcia Reynolds Psy.D.

You And Your Spouse Can Go On Your Dream Adventure Together

Is there a place out of town or across the globe that you wanted to visit but never had the chance due to childcare? That doesn’t have to remain as a far-fetched dream now, thanks to your children growing up.

They are ideally past the adolescent years and are capable of surviving without you for days or weeks. So, plan your new endeavor and feel no guilt about going on a trip as a couple.

There are traits we’ve taken on that strengthen us and enhance our sense of self. Yet, differentiation isn’t about separating yourself from society or ridding yourself of positive social models. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

The Talks You Share Become More Mature

As the kids gain life experiences, the chats you’ll have together will be more adult-like. Rather than talking about school crushes and friends, they may prefer to speak of work, investments, and family. During those moments, the age gap may not seem as noticeable as when they were children, and you won’t feel weird about sharing your woes with them.

You Can Be Like Newlyweds Again

The pet peeve of married couples with kids is that the latter will catch them in the act of making love. That can be super embarrassing for everyone. With your children away from home often, however, you can rekindle your romance and practically have sex wherever and whenever you please.

Unfortunately, we’ve spent years trying to build up the self-esteem of an entire generation and have created a world in which the word, “No,” carries more power to wound adults more deeply than ever believed possible. — Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.

Everyone, including high-profile politicians and celebrities, can experience refusal more than once in this lifetime. No one is too close to perfection, right? You can’t push every single person on the planet to believe your capabilities. It is also beyond your power to make people realize how much of an asset you can become for their school or company.

For sure, you can always try to change their minds. But never allow rejections to lower your self-esteem and doubt yourself. If you let that occur, stress and negative thoughts will pile up and most likely result in a mental disorder.

View a few suggestions on how to quickly bounce back from this experience below.

1. See It As An Opportunity

The weavers of fate surely have sound logic behind the dismissal you got. Perhaps your destiny is to marry a better man or woman than your ex. Or, maybe you’re meant to be the boss, not the employee. Although we have no means to find out what that is in an instant, you may sense it shortly.

2. Confront Your Emotions

Rejection can never leave a sweet taste in anyone’s mouth. It can be difficult to swallow, especially once you get denied for something that you’ve been dreaming of for years. Rather than acting unfazed by it every time, however, even if you feel otherwise, just choose to be honest with your emotions. That can help you accept the reality and take the incident off your chest.

When a relationship ends, humiliation, rage, loneliness, anguish and grief all seem to simultaneously show up at the door, marching in arm-in-arm to parade noisily around our psyche. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

3. Find Ways To Improve Your Skills

Once you receive a refusal and the other person tells you its cause, be grateful for it. Whether it involves matters of the heart or not, many go on in this world without knowing where things went wrong. You’re lucky not to be one of them. Thus, as soon as your anger subsides, try to become objective, change any unpleasant attitude, or gain new competencies so that you’ll obtain approvals on your next endeavor.

4. Focus On Feeling Happy

Some who have a hard time dealing with rejection spiral down to addiction or depression, which makes a recovery extra challenging. The reason is that they let the experience dampen their mood. You won’t go through this ordeal once you concentrate on activities that provide happiness to your heart. It’s beneficial to surround yourself with loved ones too at this point.

5. Don’t Blame Yourself

The idea of denial can play tricks in your head and ruin your poise when you allow it to stay rampant. In case your significant other breaks your relationship or you can’t land a fantastic job, that does not entail you didn’t give it your best shot. You did more than enough – remember that. Only, there’s a possibility the people who rejected you are searching for something – or someone – else, and that’s not your fault.

Dedicate some time to yourself to do something you enjoy. Listen to a podcast, watch a movie, pick up a novel. — Marni Amsellem, PhD

6. Move Forward

The final tip to get away from rejection is to keep on going after your life goals. You have already dealt with the sadness that it brings; you also know what parts of yourself require improvements. Now, all there is to do is make sure to grab every opportunity that comes your way until you find a path that satisfies you.

It feels so dark when a friend, significant other, child or close family member dies, doesn’t it? The experience is undoubtedly much bitter than accepting a divorce or job loss because you can no longer hear your loved one’s hearty laughter or witness them achieve their goals. There may be regret too, especially if you became estranged from the deceased and death robbed your opportunity to rekindle your relationship with that person.

These emotions can fuel negative thoughts and drive you down the depression lane in no time. Despite that, you should never allow it to happen because your dearly departed won’t be able to move on once they know you’re wasting away your life over something you cannot change.

In case you want to live again for them and yourself, try the coping mechanisms below.

1. Understand Your Feelings

Dealing with a loved one’s death will make you feel different things throughout the grieving period. You may be in denial at first, and then start blaming yourself and others for not being able to help prolong the deceased individual’s life. The bouts of sadness and guilt may come to play as well. But instead of choosing to numb these emotions, just let them flow without doing anything about them for a while. You’ll later realize that stopping death is beyond your strengths and hopefully, get over the loss efficiently.

Creativity demands you have periods of time where you don’t think about work or problems. The more complex a situation, the more you overload your brain. — Marcia Reynolds Psy.D.

2. Talk When You’re Ready

Now and then, it seems extra practical to try handling grief on your own. There won’t be people telling you what to feel and how the dead folks are in a better place now, at least, which you evidently know at the back of your head. Once you’ve come to terms with your new reality, you may then open up to the living about the emotional ordeal you endured.

3. Remain Sober

Whatever you do, don’t ever use alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs. Consuming such substances can only give you temporary happiness and push the idea of moving on as far away from your mind as possible. The pain, therefore, will stay with you and encourage you to abuse these harmful elements – a decision that will ruin your life and sadden your deceased loved ones wherever they must be.

It’s important to consistently remind ourselves of the profound effect we alone have over our destiny. — Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

4. Follow A Healthy Lifestyle

Depressing thoughts will freely run in your brain when you refuse to eat, exercise, bathe, get out of the bed, or even open the curtains in the house. It won’t be an insult to the dearly departed if you have healthy meals, workout, and get some work done after the funeral. The activities can, in fact, toughen your mind and body as you try to heal from their demise.

5. Remember The Dead Person’s Glorious Moments

On occasions when you think about the things they could’ve accomplished if only they were alive, force yourself to recall their triumphs in the past. The former will turn your mood down, yet the latter may bring a smile to your face, which most dying individuals want you to do every time you remember them.

Being strictly in the here and now would be like having advanced Alzheimers. — Jeremy E Sherman Ph.D., MPP