Therapy 101: How A Sex Addiction Can Turn Someone’s Life Upside Down

Let me tell you a story about Kit, a 44-year-old man who went to my office three months ago, asking if he should end his life to avoid facing his issues.

The Background Story

Ten years ago, Kit had it all – a business, a home, and a family. He opened a restaurant when his firstborn – a beautiful baby girl – was born. Though his house was still on the mortgage, paying it every month was not a problem for him.

Kit mentioned that his life at that point was completely different from what he had 15 years ago. That’s when he got diagnosed with sexual addiction – soon after a police raid took place at a shady club, which was a front for prostitution in his city. He struggled with his addiction until he met his wife, Lara, who helped him overcome his problems.


The thing was, Kit’s wife was far from being a saint-like person. In truth, she had always wanted to live a lavish life and buy all the bags and shoes she could find. While Kit was busy making money, she was busy spending it. It came to the point that Kit had to declare bankruptcy after a fire occurred in the restaurant, and he found out that they no longer had money to start again.

Despite that, the man did not get mad at Lara. The two of them look for jobs, and they tried to make it work like other middle-class families. Kit figured that that would be enough for them to open a business once more if they kept at it for a few months.

What Kit did not expect, though, was that Lara had other plans for herself. She had been having an affair with her childhood friend, who also happened to be their second daughter’s godfather. The revelation broke Kit’s heart into a billion pieces, and he secured a court order that would keep his wife from seeing their two daughters.


The Start Of Even Bigger Problems

Since Kit soon realized that he could not work and raise two kids alone, he sent his daughters off to his parents’ farm in Idaho. Lara kept trying to change the court’s ruling, but none of them thought of divorcing once and for all.

Instead, Kit decided to get multiple girlfriends to quench his loneliness. He divulged that he dated five different girls at one time, wanting to feel loved and significant. After some time, he got evicted from the family house that he could no longer pay for and shacked up with one of his girlfriends.

Bella knew that he was not legally separated, but she was cool with it. Still, Kit did not want them to go public in fear of Lara getting wind of it and filing an adultery case against him, which can make her take their kids. But his ulterior motive for hiding his relationship with Bella was to ensure that he could see other women without Bella finding out.


Boom Goes The News

No secrets could ever remain as much, of course. Bella learned that there were other women in Kit’s life. In retaliation, she stopped taking her birth control pills without his knowledge. He only found out when Bella showed him a positive pregnancy test.

Was Kit happy about it? No. As it turned out, he had no plans of marrying Bella. He lived with her out of convenience, but he fancied other women, too. He urged Bella to terminate her pregnancy because Lara could sue him – and because he could not afford to raise another child – but the defiant girlfriend wanted him to take responsibility for it.

Fast Forward To Present

This was the issue that brought Kit to my office. From what you read, it might become evident to you that Kit stopped thinking with his head the moment his marriage fell apart. It would be safe to assume that he gave in to his loneliness, which allowed sexual addiction to creep back into his life. Once he realized it, though, it was already too late.

“What can I do, ma’am?” Kit asked miserably.


“Technically speaking, abortion is legal here in New York. You can ask your girlfriend to reconsider, and her answer will hopefully be in your favor. However, what you should never do is run away from your problems by killing yourself. Just think of how your kids and parents will feel if you do that.”

When Kit did not reply, I continued, “If you have the means to do so, I would suggest getting a divorce with your legal wife to avoid further problems. And if you genuinely do not want to be with your pregnant girlfriend, do not play with her feelings anymore and offer child support if she wants to keep your baby. More importantly, I would suggest getting therapy so that you can overcome your sexual addiction.”

Kit’s life would forever be changed by his sexual addiction, unfortunately. He went on to get multiple jobs to pay for his ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy, finalize his divorce, and provide for his two daughters. Nevertheless, the silver lining was that he stopped sleeping with as many women as possible, so he could gain some balance in his life.

Therapy Question: What Happens To People With Undiagnosed Sexual Addiction?

In the world of therapy, I could say that some professionals still did not want to leave their comfort zones. What I meant was that they would not go past dealing with people with depression, anxiety, or marital problems. Those were common, and they would not need to challenge themselves too much.

But I was never like that. In truth, when my parents offered to help me set up an office in the city, I was like, “Why don’t you help me create a rehab facility for sex addicts instead?”


People would ask me, “Don’t you fear for your safety whenever you accept potential sex addicts in your office?” The short answer is no.

Are those individuals capable of committing sexual offenses? Possibly. Do they experience more uncontrollable sexual urges than other people? Yes, most likely. However, before I let anyone into my office, I ensure that my clients want to change for themselves and the sake of others. That way, it’s effortless to separate them from folks who are not ready to turn their lives around.

Here’s what happens if we don’t help sexual addicts.

They Get Sued For Sexual Misconduct

Pornography is among the common telltale signs that someone has a sexual addiction. They cannot let a day pass without watching it, no matter where they are or how often they can have sex with their partners. While some people may find it disgusting, it happens to be one of the mildest symptoms of this disorder because the others may get you sued for sexual misconduct – or worse.


For one, some addicts could go as far as hiring prostitutes or escorts, and that’s illegal conduct in various states. Others may have sex in public, and that’s not acceptable either. Worse, they might turn into pedophiles or rapists, which are unforgivable in everyone’s eyes.

They Have Multiple Partners

Another issue with sex addicts is that they cannot ever stick to one partner. No matter how gorgeous or successful or giving their partner is, they still cannot fight the urge to cheat and be with other people. If you ask them why, I doubt they can give you a proper answer because they may not know it.

This lifestyle is perhaps acceptable if you are in a polygamous relationship. However, in most cases, a sex addict tends to lead a double life in which they act as a one-woman man or one-man woman. When the crap hits the fan and their partners find out, things can get crazy.


They Deal With Unwanted Pregnancies

When you have multiple partners, it is not impossible for you to deal with unwanted pregnancies one too many times. If you are a man, you may have relationships with women who want to trap you with a bun in the oven. If you are a woman, you may not know who the father of your unborn child is.

Regardless of your gender, though, unwanted pregnancies lead to more flawed life decisions more often than not. To be honest, I cannot decide about what’s worse than abortion or keeping the baby at that point. If you terminate the pregnancy, you are committing a mortal sin, but the unborn child can have another chance of getting born in a family that wants them. If you don’t terminate the pregnancy, the child may feel unwanted while growing up, which can cause a world of hurt for them.

Worst Of All: They Will Continue In A Destructive Path

Learning from past mistakes is not always a thing with sex addicts. It may work for others, but not for them. The reason is that they are more compulsive than others, so they tend to act before they think if it’s right or wrong.


Because of that, staying undiagnosed almost guarantees that people with sexual addiction will continue doing the same things that they should not have even thought of doing in the first place. It won’t end in a happily ever after – mind you. From what I often hear, the world can be more forgiving towards murderers than sexual offenders.

Final Thoughts

Does wanting to change entail that the process of healing will be easier than usual? In most of my clients’ cases, it makes them more open to ending their habits and becoming conscious of their thoughts and behaviors. But in terms of “ease,” they still need months to break the chain, so it’s not as easy as you may imagine.

Nevertheless, I should stress that the healing journey will never start if you do not allow yourself to get diagnosed with sexual addiction. If you ever wonder if your sexual behaviors are outside the normal realm and worry about dealing with the issues mentioned above, please see a psychologist or psychiatrist who can recommend you to a therapist like me. It will only be challenging initially, especially when you must accept that you have a mental health problem, but doing so will do you good.